Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Predictions For 2007

Given the way things are in the world today, here is a list of my predictions for 2007. By all means, hold me accountable to my predictions at the end of the year.

  • Snoop Dog will announce himself as a Democratic candidate for President of The United States. He'll run on a platform of "I'm more fun than Hillary." As a gesture of bipartisanship, his running mate will be Eminem.
  • Barak Obama will realize that if he wants to have any chance at the Oval Office, he'll have to change his name to Bob Smith. But he'll use his huge ears to his advantage and state that with bigger ears, he is better suited to hear the will of the people (just black people of course).
  • Nancy Pelosi will announce legislation that there will be new rules for bloggers. She will deem blogging as a threat to national security and set up a content review system for bloggers. Obviously only those blogs advocating progressive ideas will be deemed as safe. The rest of us will go to Blogger Education Camps and be forced to listen to Barbara Streisand lecture us on the dangers of free speech.

  • The Los Angeles Times will attempt to stem its declining subscription by become even MORE liberal. Rob Reiner will be appointed as Editor-In-Chief. This strategy will inexplicably fail.
  • Fox News will abandon all pretense of being "Fair and Balanced" and execute Alan Colmes live on the air. And there will be much rejoicing.

  • A massive breakthrough in quantum computing this year will pave the way for the government to plant microchips in everyone's head to monitor and process what everyone sees, hears, etc. As always, this will be done for our own safety to head off any terrorist plots before they can begin. Due to racial profiling concerns, anyone of Middle Eastern origin will not be forced to receive the implant.
  • Virtual Reality will become more real this year than reality. By incorporating neurotransmitters in the visual field, anyone can be anyone. This technology will be a huge boon to people who cannot otherwise get a date. Unfortunately, it will also cause some very embarrassing situations to arise when it is discovered that people are inadvertently having sex with their brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers. For the first time, people will be able to get real viruses from computers.
  • A new substitute for fat will be developed that will end the trans-fat debate forever. In their never-ending quest to solve non-existent problems, liberals will seek to ban this substance because it lacks any potential for intrusive legislation or class-action lawsuits.